


Of crimson stained thorns and nails

by nanosecond



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Depression, Dissociation, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Poor Toby Smith | Tubbo, Sad Toby Smith | Tubbo, his mental state is in shambles my guy, tubbo is not okay, tubbo is very sad, tubbo's way of thinking is not good!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:20:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28245333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanosecond/pseuds/nanosecond
Summary: "He went back to Logstedshire, staring at that pillar which seemed to kiss the sky itself, welcoming it into its embrace. He wondered for a moment how easy it would be to break it, to punch it’s wood and dirt and stone that towered over the land. He wondered how long it would take to reach the top, how long Tommy would have spent staring at the ground beneath him.He wondered how easy it would be to fall."A look through a window of grief and loss, as told by a young man struggling to get through it all.
Relationships: Jschlatt & Toby Smith | Tubbo, No Romantic Relationship(s), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 3
Kudos: 121





	Of crimson stained thorns and nails

**Author's Note:**

> hoo wee tubbo angst, have fun with this one guys

It had been days since he saw it.

Days since he had walked away, his mind fuzzy and filled with the gentle sprinkles of static, TV snow getting stronger and stronger as he walked back to L’Manberg. 

He went on through that day, as if nothing was wrong, as if nothing had happened. That thing, that pillar he saw, never existed. His tent, Logstedshire, was still intact. Tommy was still alive. Tommy was alive.

Suns rotated around the Earth, it’s light source unable to shine through to Tubbo, the river of denial in his head grew larger each day as he tread through it’s rough stream, hoping- no, knowing that Tommy was still there, Tommy was okay, Tommy was alive.

Tommy was alive

Is what he told himself.

Tommy was alive

His belief wavered. 

Tommy was alive…

He went back to Logstedshire, staring at that pillar which seemed to kiss the sky itself, welcoming it into its embrace. He wondered for a moment how easy it would be to break it, to punch it’s wood and dirt and stone that towered over the land. He wondered how long it would take to reach the top, how long Tommy would have spent staring at the ground beneath him.

He wondered how easy it would be to fall.

He looked upwards. His small horns itched a bit as they grew in, but it was nothing compared to the emptiness he felt deep in his chest. For a moment, he thought he could see a silhouette of someone up on the top, their head downwards as they sat on the last remaining block on the tower.

Tubbo’s eyes widened. His hands scrambled to place blocks upwards, anything to get to the person on top. He found some dirt nearby and started building up, his hands shaking, body filling with panic as he shouted and screamed for that person to look down, to come down. 

The black shadow stood up suddenly, and Tubbo’s mouth formed into a smile as he thought the man was listening, he was going to come down. He was coming back. Back to L’Manberg, back to his friends, back to him.

His arms shook as he rushed to build more, tidal waves of anxiety crashed as he slowly approached the top. His hand stretched out to the sky, the shadow just within his grasp, he was so close to him. So close to Tommy-

And then his heart seemed to freefall as he saw the shadow grow broken wings, and fly. 

Tubbo could only stand there as he watched him fall, the inky black of the night overtaking the shadow as he fell into the darkness down below. 

He could’ve sworn he heard a voice call out to him before it disappeared. 

It only took a moment before he looked upwards, the tower now shadowless as he stared at the moon above. A mountain he had been climbing before suddenly shook. An avalanche started that threatened to dissolve his entire being. As the snow came rushing down, he closed his eyes and let it take him to a place which he had been terrified to step foot into. The icy cold entered, and he broke down, the cold numbing his fingers, his arms, his chest, his legs. 

He couldn’t move. He was stuck. Frozen to the little pillar he had built, the frostbite seeping into his brain slowing it’s processing speed. And as he stood on the pillar, the ice melted bit by bit, and a fire started and raged inside. Anger filled his person. He was angry, truly angry, for the first time in his life. 

He was angry at himself, angry at Tommy, angry at everyone. Tommy could have told him, mailed him, anything to stop this from happening. He could have reached out, but- but he didn’t, he didn’t for some goddamn reason. Even though he was exiled, and isolated, he had people visiting him right? He had been visited, he still had someone who cared for him. How could he do this to him, how could this fucking happen?

A familiar voice suddenly spoke next to Tubbo, echoing in his mind.

He looked to his left, and lo and behold, an echo of the former president, Schlatt, was standing next to him; his suit as impeccable as ever, and he had that familiar look in his eye. The look that Schlatt always had whenever he was with him.

A patronising stare, full of disdain.

His horns glinted in the moonlight, a corner of his mouth turning into a smirk. He leaned over Tubbos’ ear, saying words that Tubbo never wanted to hear. Words Tubbo knew he couldn’t handle.

“You never visited him.”

“... That’s… Not true.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No… No it’s- it’s not it’s-”

He came to the begrudgingly large realization that Schlatt was right. He never did truly visit Tommy when he was in exile, never helped him through whatever he was going through. He was never there for him. 

Roses of anger blew up inside him, the only person it was directed towards was himself. The thorns pricked him as he clenched his fists, nails digging into skin and sharp spikes of pain flaring up. It hurt a little but maybe he deserved it for everything he’s done to Tommy. Maybe he deserved more than just crimson stained thorns and nails. 

His head pounded with all the thoughts colliding inside his head, each one more painful than the last. He wanted to get off the pillar. He needed to go away, to somewhere secluded. 

But, he just couldn’t be left alone. Everywhere he went those thoughts followed him to his wits end, unable to stop the stream of consciousness. He couldn’t fucking think properly, he couldn’t decide if Tommy was even dead or not.

Maybe Tommy was still alive. After all, maybe he had lived and ran off somewhere, right? Maybe he was still alive and he was waiting for Tubbo to come find him, right?? Even if his compass is gone, that doesn’t mean Tommy wasn’t still alive..

.. Right..?

So he held out for a few weeks. He got down from that pillar and went to L’Manberg, doing his presidential duties. He signed papers, approved of new buildings, built a bee sanctuary too. But even with these other distractions, there was nothing more prevalent in his mind than Tommy’s large pillar, seemingly infinite as it goes onwards past what the eye could see.

It only got more real as time went on, the facts started to pool in before he knew it, and he was forced to accept the truth. The real truth.

Tommy was dead, and he killed him. 

It was late one night when he made the realization. That everything that has happened so far to Tommy was in fact, his fault. It was all his doing, from the moment he exiled Tommy to never fucking visiting him throughout his banishment. He was the one who made Tommy isolated, he was the one who killed- murdered Tommy, he should’ve been the one to go instead.

He wanted it all to stop. The utter feelings of self loathing which radiated from his body were too much for him to take, it was all too much for him. He couldn’t deal with the fact that his best friend was fucking gone, fucking dead and gone to wherever he is now. 

His mind ran into new reasons for Tommy disappearing, each hitting him like a bat to the face. What if Tommy had always felt this way? Was it Tubbo who never was aware of his actions? 

He could feel his head start to bleed.

He obviously didn’t care enough to write to him, maybe he fucking hated him. Who wouldn’t hate him after exiling his best friend from the goddamn country, why was he even here? 

The rose colored streak on his face made him smile. 

Why did he even exist when he was taking up space that could’ve been Tommy’s, eating food at places which Tommy would’ve loved, walking down the prime path and seeing that same fucking bench with their jukebox and remembering all those times they had together.

Them talking about L’Manberg’s war, them sitting together, just talking about normal everyday things, Tommy telling a joke and Tubbo laughing ecstatically at it, and how Tommy would call Tubbo clingy even though he was more clingy than him. All of those memories flocked through, open by the sight of the bench, their bench. A bench which now only held the laughter of two former friends. 

It cracked like the idea of their friendship, little bubbles opening each up as Tubbo was reminded of everything. His head split open as he tried to contain the sadness of it all, but the clouds still came, and the water still rained on his already drenched hair and suit. 

He shivered, the cold creeping into his bones. The slow rise of hatred for himself was a feeling he would never get tired of. In fact, he almost liked it.

The reason being because he most indefinitely deserved every bit of that shitty feeling, the numbness and hollow empty wooden feeling of his chest made him feel a kinship to Pinocchio. Except instead of becoming a real boy, Tubbo was turning into something else entirely.

A monster.

Small giggle started to trickle through him. His body shook as he tried to contain the mad laughter, his eyes bursting with an ocean. An ocean which never seemed to stop nowadays. He gripped at his chest, hand near his heart and thought that maybe, he could reach in and stop it himself. 

The rushing sound of a stream progressively got louder as Tubbo’s mind went off on it’s own. 

He began to have thoughts of him and Tommy on the pillar together. Tommy would pull him in, show him the sunset. Tommy would hug him and cry into his shoulder, relieved that he was here with him. Tommy would tease, Tommy would smile, Tommy would laugh. And then when he had fully let his guard down, Tubbo would stand up.

Tommy would ask ‘What are you doing?’ as he stood on the barely available space for the both of them. Tommy would stand up, and ask Tubbo if he was okay, if he was going to leave again. 

And Tubbo would look up and smile as his hand reached over to push him off.

He could see Tommy’s face shake so clearly with betrayal and hurt.

Tubbo’s smile disappeared from view as Tommy fell with the sun. He was never going to rise again.

He couldn’t even hear the impact of Tommy’s body crushing into the floor, the bones cracking and blood spewing from him as he danced with an undertaker. His smiles grew wider on the outside, his inner self begging for this to stop, clutching his head and punching his brain wishing for this movie to end.

He then appeared on the floor next to the pillar. All he saw was red, red everywhere Tommy on the floor red red on the floor bones cracked spine broken red bones popping out of his body saying hello red a flower stained red a white bunny with blood red red everything was so red-

He felt like he was going to throw up. He felt like laughing. He was going fucking insane. The smell of blood thick on his nose as he keeled over and pounded his head against the floor, to just stop, stop, stop the images from coming.

His eyes shut as he yelled and cried, his head burning from the amount of pain it went through. When crimson streaks started to flow down his face he didn’t stop, because why would he?

He deserved it all. 

He only stopped when he could feel himself coming back to reality, the instant relief being overtaken by the huge amounts of shame and disgust welling up inside. Disgust at himself and at his thoughts for even thinking that way. 

He sat up after that episode, body slumped over as he wondered if this was what losing your mind looked like. It probably was, but he shouldn’t dwell on that. 

He just wanted to sleep but he kept seeing those images of Tommy on the pillar being shoved off and Tommy on the floor with blood red blood-

He wanted to cry again, this couldn’t keep fucking happening. He curled up into a ball and hated how it felt like Tommy was going to come over and pat him on the back.

He hated feeling the ghost of Tommy’s presence, his arms wrapping around his body as he pulled him into a hug. He could hear the whispers of Tommy, saying how it was going to be okay, it was going to be over soon,

‘you’re gonna be fine.’

Gently, Tubbo slowly hugged him too, and began to cry into his shoulder. He looked up, expecting to see Tommy staring into his blue eyes. He saw horns.

“You deserve this.”

And he screamed as the man in the suit reached into his chest and pulled out his heart, the blood bursting with each pump. He tried to pull away, but Schlatt had his hand tightly gripped onto the blood seeping organ. It felt like his heart was going to burst. 

Schlatt was laughing. Laughing at how scared he looked. Eyes that were filled with mocking disdain turned into a dead blue stare.

Tubbo’s eyes widened as he saw Tommy holding his heart, with bones sticking out of his body and blood staining pale white skin. He saw as Tommy crushed his heart, it’s contents spilling all over his hand and onto the floor. Tubbo struggled to inhale as Tommy walked closer to him and stared him down with a look of anger and hatred.

“You did this.”

Tubbo started to apologize, he wanted to apologize so badly to Tommy, but he was already turning around and walking off. Tubbo gripped his chest as he fell over, crawling to Tommy and leaving a trail of blood behind him.

“I’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m so sorry- please come back, please come BACK PLEASE- TOMMY-”

He cried as he watched Tommy disappear. He couldn’t even have done anything about it, how fucking useless is he. He turned around on the floor, laying upwards and just letting the tears fall down without making a move to do anything about it. 

He looked down at his chest, expecting to find a hole, and saw that it was perfectly fine. Nothing had actually happened. He thought he would be relieved, but instead he was met with disappointment.

Because of course that would never happen, of course both Schlatt and Tommy were dead, they couldn’t do shit like that because they were fucking gone. Strings appeared overhead as he saw how tied up he was in this whole mess of a situation. He wanted to impulsively grab one of the strings and hang ten there forever. 

His presence in this reality started to waver. He wasn’t even sure he could stop going wherever he went. Even at Tommy’s funeral, he still sat there thinking those disgusting thoughts of Tommy falling, of Tommy on the floor, or of Tommy killing Tubbo.

He honestly deserved it, maybe that’s why he never really stopped thinking that way. Because while it was torture for him, it made him feel like he was repaying some debt left to him by Tommy.  
As if this is what he would have wanted, because of that hurt and loneliness he put onto him. 

It was an endless debt, but he could surely repay it someday.

It didn’t matter if it made him feel horrible, this was his way of atoning to his actions. So that when Tubbo finally decays into the ground and dirt, he could meet Tommy again.

Tommy would be sitting on a bench, a disc playing, probably cat, and he would turn around and see Tubbo. Tubbo would expect to be turned away, but Tommy got up and rushed towards him. 

The impact of his fall brought tears of joy to Tubbo’s face. They both hugged each other as tight as they could, never wanting to let go. And afterwards, they would sit on the bench and discuss random things, before the topic of Tommy’s death finally came up.

And Tubbo would apologize, and start crying saying he didn’t mean it, he swears. Tommy would stop him and look at him with a smile, saying that he’s done enough to apologize, and that he forgives him.

And that would be how their afterlife starts. With them sitting on that bench together, reliving past memories and indulging each other’s company. Tommy would laugh and Tubbo would think,

‘i’ve found him.’

As the scene plays out and the both of them smile at each other, wanting nothing more than to be together forever.

Tubbo watched that image in his mind, and instantly knew he was doing the right thing. Because if he couldn’t atone for his sins, he would never get to be with Tommy. He just had to keep going, keep hating himself in order to repay that loneliness. It would hurt now, but later on in life he would be happy.

Because he would be happy together with Tommy in the afterlife.

They would be together at last.

**Author's Note:**

> i like angst what can i say lol, also ur not supposed to like tubbo's thinking. he's caught in like a self hating loop which makes him convince himself that he's doing the right thing yknow? 
> 
> anyways all i know is tubbo angst and pain, and again pls don't ever talk abt fics with the CCs cause that's rlly shitty.


End file.
